my four pillars to sexual healing

Opening sexually to someone is the most intense, vulnerable, intimate, powerful and passionate experience you can possibly share with another being.

I don’t care what people say, sex is a big bloody deal.

Since being a single lady over the past few years, I feel more empowered, sexier and stronger than ever. I also have a deeper and more profound respect for the physical act of sex and my own sexual energy that I never used to have.

I always knew I was a sexual being (we all are), but I never knew how to harness that…healthily.

~ I would use my sexuality to seduce men to get what I wanted.

~ I was a man eater and sex was a power game.

~ I was looking for love through sex and ended up hurt, empty and ashamed.

~ I wanted my sex fix and was purely operating from my base Chakras (survival, primal, foundation).

~ The sex was naughty and taboo and something I shouldn’t have been doing, which made it all the better.

So I was determined to change my ways and break these bad-ass old patterns. This time round, rather than being on the hunt for my next suitor, going on a million dates, or seeking out love, instead I have embraced my singledom by focusing on ME and loving my journey of self-discovering! What an exciting, growth-filled time in my life. Read here for article on scrubbing off your sexual sediment.

Besides when you’re single it’s such a great time to nest, save money, focus on your body/health, work on projects, enjoy your friends, make new friends and spend quality time with family!

I also now incorporate a regular spiritual practice made up of meditation, self-love self-talk, daily gratitude journalling, pranayama breathing and kundalini yoga. These rituals and practices have made me so much more aware of my thoughts, emotions and actions and far more conscious about who I spend my time with and where my energy flows.

That also means, in a big way, who I choose to sleep with.

I embody an overflowing, abundant and unconditional pool of self love and self respect for myself. From this place I am able to delve in and think twice (or thrice) about who I allow into my sacred space, my bedroom, my heart, my abode…my vagina!

So I thought I would share with you a few things I have learnt along my own personal sexual journey over the past few years:

1. Sex is sacred

Having another’s body part inside yours is a joining of, not just bodies, but of souls.

If you think about it, we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for sex.

Sex creates life. It’s life-creating!

Our life force is a creation from our sexual energy. So from that perspective alone, sex is made of powerful sacred stuff!

The Tantra tradition in India and Nepal, as well as Chinese Taoism considered sex a direct road to spiritual enlightenment. Rather than denying our natural sexual impulses, Western Civilisation is now starting to (gradually) honour and recognise that the nature of sex is in fact sacred, holy and blessed rather than sinful. Rewind 5000 years ago and sex was seen as a way of liberating our sexual energy; it was medicinal and ancient physicians would prescribe sexual positions as remedies for physical ailments. Imagine that – orgasms as prescriptions!

We’re now re-wiring our belief system around sex, undoing all the damage and guilt placed on sex by the patriarchic, religious and Christian movement. And I’m doing it one blog article, one coaching client, one workshop, one orgasm at a time.

Put simply, sex satisfies our deepest human need for feeling wanted, bonding and connection. In opening our vagina to another, it’s like opening a portal to our heart – a gateway to the deepest essence of who we are; a glimpse of our spirit. We are totally vulnerable, trusting and completely sharing our everything with that person.

Our genitalia is our life-making and love-making tools we are blessed with and by connecting physically with someone, we simultaneously connect our heart, soul, DNA, love and light. Hell, we’re mixing up our very own cocktail concoction with saliva, semen and sweat! Can’t get more sacred than that.

But no matter how sacred sex can be, it is still mistreated and leaves deep-ass scars, which leads me to my next point…

2. We’re not bullet proof

During the physical act of sex, our vagina is like a flower blossoming and flourishing; totally exposed, welcoming, budding, radiating, thriving, glowing, trusting and vulnerable. Likewise when a man makes love with a woman or engages in any sexual play, he is opening, or entering and emerging himself on many levels.

Sex is the epitome of opening up, becoming vulnerable and baring all. In this practice of sexual exploration (SEXploration) we can also get hurt.

It can be inevitable and sometimes unavoidable. But we’re not made of stone.

When we are intimate with someone, we open ourselves to the risk of getting hurt. It comes with the territory.

But think of it this way, if nothing had a risk there wouldn’t be any excitement or challenge about reaching out to attain it; we wouldn’t want it as much unless there could be a possible danger associated with gaining it.


We also can’t live under a rock and not let anyone in (to our heart or vagina) either out of fear of being heart broken.

There is no life is escapism.

Don’t get me wrong, we can certainly still have sex without opening or bonding or getting hurt, however that entails keeping our hearts closed and not fully letting go and releasing… and where’s the fun in that!? That’s where the party is at!! It would just be a shallow f*ck, which admittedly, there’s absolutely a time and a place for. Not all sex has to be deep and emotional and sacred; sometimes a wham-bam-thank-you-maam serves its purpose nicely.

My point is, when we engage sexually with someone, or even during non sexual intimacy, we take that risk.

We sign that invisible contract with our jizz!

We’re not bullet proof. And like that good old saying says:

It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

It’s simple, when we are vulnerable especially in a sexual sense, it’s easy to get wounded as we let someone in, metaphorically and physically.

Which leads me to my next point…

3. It’s worth waiting
Your sex is a precious commodity; a prized possession to be cherished and given only to the cream of the crop who deserve you.

I believe that every time we sleep with someone we give a little part of ourselves; our heart & soul – whether intentionally or not. So it’s super important to keep your self worth, willpower and intuition high as when you start unhealthily sleeping around, it lowers our standards, lowers our value and hence lowers our general sense of worth (unless you are of course made of stone).

Having too many casual sex partners starts to eat away at you over time, degrading your amazingness. Don’t get me wrong I have been through my slutty phases in my early 20s while gallivanting around Europe, so there is certainly no judgment from me, however it has taken me some time, forgiveness and spiritual development to heal those wounds of recklessness. I could blame the alcohol or the drugs or the carelessness but at the end of the day it all stemmed from my own consent and from me seeking love in the wrong places (FYI: NOT at the end of someone’s penis).

It might be fun in the short term, but it can lead to a loss of self, lack of confidence, insecurity and potentially sexual health issues.

My tips? Be fussy. Be choosey. Up your standards. Quality over quantity. In my opinion sporadic or rare amazing sex with someone incredible who you love and is worth a million times over than regular shit sex with someone you don’t deeply value and worship and love.

Don’t be afraid to wait. Stick out the loneliness piece. Breathe through it. Sit with it. Embrace your shadow. Learn to love your own solo time and discovering who you really are as a being.

Good things come to those who wait! And if you find it hard to wait, then you’re definitely going to like my next point….

4. If you’re horny all the time – channel the sexual energy UP!

Generally speaking, I have a high sex drive.

At some points in my life I swear I felt like a female version of Russell Brand (without the weird hair and gritty britty accent). I would think about sex regularly and act on my impulses without much consideration. Basically I would think about sex how much I imagine a MALE would think about sex, which regularly got me into my primal, masculine center and out of my feminine nature. I was filling a void.

Don’t get me wrong I have also been in relationships where we didn’t have sex for months on end because the spark had died. So the desire is totally situational and subjective.

However, since studying yogic philosophy, relationship coaching, learning how to meditate, practicing pranayama breathing techniques, going to Tony Robbins events, exploring the Chakras, Tantra, learning to love myself and going to weekly Kundalini Yoga classes I now have a sublime awareness of my subtle body i.e. my internal focus and energy centers. I have a foundation built of love and a drive fueled by authenticity, passion and truth – rather than my old faithful, fiery, volatile, un-tamed sexual energy (which is not totally suppressed…it certainly comes in handy sometimes to get shit done!).

I can go months now without a sniff of sex and not be bothered.

My sexual energy is still there (oh yeh), but it’s channeled throughout my body. I consciously move the prana (life force) up to my Solar Plexus (my power centre), my Heart Chakra and up higher into my third eye and crown Chakra consciousness. How? Through yoga and meditation, healthy eating, tantra, lots of sleep / water etc. Even sex or masturbation! The energy is like a conduit for my creative expression – for this blog you’re reading, my website, my womenergy workshops, coaching, business, yoga teaching, interviews, new ideas etc.

Try sport, action, adventure, art, creating…

To give you a visualization…rather than having it lying dormant like a volcano ready to erupt, I move the lava around my energy centers from the sacrum, rather than allowing it to lay stagnant and simmering in the base. Just imagine the sexual energy vibrating through your body in warm waves of molten lava! You can use your sexual energy in other areas of your life rather than getting up in your mind and getting sexually frustrated all the time…

Having droughts are actually very beneficial. Devout yogis and monks don’t remain celibate for no reason. There’s rhyme in their reason. There’s method in their madness..

So over to you…. What are your personal pillars to sexual healing? What has helped you heal your sexual wounds? Can you be honest with yourself about your sexuality?

Your turn baby!