When was the last time you gave your partner head?
When’s the last time you received it?
When’s the last time you gave it and actually enjoyed the giving experience?
And do you really enjoy opening up and receiving head? Or do you find the whole process a bit icky?
The giving and receiving of oral sex is a pivotal part of a relationship, and not just sexually speaking. Having sex is relatively easy in comparison; it’s a mutual pleasure. It’s quite easy to navigate around (i.e. dick goes in vagina). Your faces are close together, so a nice and familiar kissing ground. You get the gist…
However with oral sex, it’s a completely selfless act (well, not really if you find the act sexually arousing). I like to view oral sex as a way of showing how much you dig someone. A way to show and express your deep affection and love for a person. A lot of people view it as a chore or a task; a conditional practice to hopefully lead to some of their own pleasure. For these people, I challenge you to alter your mind-set around giving head.
Instead of giving head just to get your partner off or because they want you to/you feel obliged or just simply to prepare for a shag, try just giving it to them from a place of pure love. Make it unconditional; not something you expect to receive in return. An act of kindness. An act of love. A selfless act of generosity. Just as you would give them a massage or kiss their lips goodnight, give their yoni (vagina) or lingam (penis) a massage and a kiss with the lips…. Besides, what better way to show someone how much you love them by giving them some ecstatic, erotic, sensual, intimate pleasure with your mouth on their genitals!? We all know how damn good it feels, so why suppress it or withhold the joy of oral sex from them?
Praise the Penis
If you’re a woman (or a man who likes men) and you find penises slightly repulsive, odd, obscure, yuck or simply give head to shut your partner up and keep them happy and sexually satisfied, try a different approach… Try learning to love your mans’ penis – the shape, the taste, the look, the feel of it. Fantasise about it. Text or email him throughout the day and tell them what you’re going to do to it that night! If your man feels as though you actually want his lingam, his confidence and overall sense of self worth both as a sexual being and a physical being but also spiritually and emotionally will increase, inevitably filtering into other aspects in his life like work, fitness, passions, health, hobbies etc. I’m not talking about putting the penis on a pedestal, but rather embracing it with love and thought and compassion when you’re down south practicing fellatio. Plus, a man can tell if you like giving head, and let’s be honest, oral sex is way better when you know the person giving it actually wants to give it.
Praise the Pussy
Similarly, women like to feel as though their pussy is loved and cherished. Just like they like to feel loved and cherished. Some women have a really healthy relationship with their yoni, however some women also don’t unfortunately. Those who don’t find their yoni/oral sex a bit taboo, confronting, a private place and somewhere to leave well alone. These women may find it difficult to spread their legs, open up (literally) and allow herself to become vulnerable enough to have someone elses’ head down there! But as a man (or woman if you prefer women) you can help your woman and her yoni learn to open, blossom and flower. How? By becoming a cunnilinguist! (haha, I love this word – cunnus = vulva, lingua = tongue according to Neo-Latin times). Let your partner know you enjoy it, that you love pleasuring her, slowly exploring it, tasting it, feeling it, caressing it. Tell her it’s beautiful and sexy and make her feel comfortable. Instead of going down with a gun-ho get-the-job-done mindset, take your time, feel into it, discover it, find it intriguing, and gradually her hips will melt open, her pelvis will dissolve and she will eventually open up physically and emotionally.
According to the Taoist ideal, cunnilingus is accorded a revered place; an honourable practice. This is because it was believed to achieve longevity, and the loss of semen, vaginal, and other bodily liquids is believed to bring about a corresponding loss of vitality. Conversely, by either semen retention or ingesting the secretions from the vagina, a male or female can conserve and increase his/her chi or original vital breath. And it’s not just about the male being enriched by female secretions; the female also benefits from her communion with the male. Just read here about Kim Anami’s cum diet to back me up! It might sound filthy, but there is lots of biochemical studies into the benefits of semen. Bio-psychologist Gordon G. Gallup Jr. has conducted research into the effects of semen on the mood of the swallower and due to the mood boosting hormones present in seminal fluids it is claimed that regularly ingesting semen can even help combat depression!
An Orientalist depiction of cunnilingus by French artist Achille Deveria
Something to try at home…
In a relationship? Try a 30 day challenge of giving head to each other once a day. Change it up so you give it to him in the morning and he gives it to you at night and vise versa. Try different places and times. You can follow up with sex or just leave it at oral and snuggle. Infuse the practice with love and joy and passion. I also suggest swallowing to see if you feel more connected and bonded to each other and if it actually does boost your mood?
Single? Try honouring the yoni or the lingum with self pleasure on a daily basis. Take a stroll down the Hindu Tantric yoga path and incorporate breathing into it, send yourself love every time you do it, visualise absorbing energy up through the yoni into the body and up the spine to your upper Chakras, and after 30 days sense any changes you may feel towards your body/yoni/lingam/spiritually/emotionally. If you’re seeing someone casually or it’s relatively new but you feel comfortable and safe enough, explore with him/her – learn about each other’s body and enjoy the project!
If you’re not opening up (down there) to your husband or your wife, your partner, your girlfriend or boyfriend or lover…ask yourself why? Or better still, why not? Delve a little deeper (literally and metaphorically). Are you not confident enough with your genitals? Does it derive from your childhood or what someone told you when you were young? Do you not enjoy the practice of giving/receiving? Do you close up to the idea? Was it a bad experience that put you off? Have a think about some of these questions and if it calls you, you can contact me for a coaching session (skype or in person) if you would like to delve deeper…
In the meantime, have more love-infused head!